Woah I Have Really Dropped Off

Guess its because i haven't actually been doing that much to talk about. Besides learning the piano - stupid thing who knew it would be that hard :P

Lets see, well I guess the most momentous thing in my life at the moment is that i finally got another temp job - no previous employee to snatch it away, in fact the smell of slight desperation permeated the air at my interview. If you can call it an interview, more like an informal chat that lasted about 10minutes. And to think I spent all that time on my hair and makeup. And I even did my eyebrows. My hairdresser did my eyebrows for me on the weekend and I love them. I know that sounds strange and a little bit vain, but if you have ever gone through having shapeless eyebrows that you don't like to nice ones that have some shape without being stick thin then you will know exactly what i am talking about. They are the best i have ever had them, and my hairdresser doesn't do them professionally. All those different beauticians and professionals and i got the best one in the kitchen of my hairdresser sitting in her $28 eBay barber chair. I really should get her something as a thank you. Now where was I... oh yeah the job. I started today; i only found out i got it yesterday afternoon. I kind of feel like my time off is unfinished, like there are some loose ends to tie. Not that there are really, I guess i just didn't get the whole wind down that i am used to when i know that i have to go to work in the next couple of days. Don't get me wrong, i would prefer not to be working but i could use 8 weeks worth of money so i can't say no. I miss buying stuff. Although i know i can't because mom says i have to save money for uni. Good old practical mum. I am an extravagant spender trapped in a family full of penny pinchers. So for the next couple of months i will sell my time for $20 per hour, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.

I have become more interested in makeup and hair techniques in the last couple of weeks (before my job when i had plenty of time to kill). You tube is a bonanza of how to videos, first there was piano lessons, now eye makeup and hair styling. Now if only I could get time to do it. I will have to make sure my laziness does not kick back in and bring my apathy back with a vengeance. Better go, i only have half an hour left before my show comes on and i have about 800 stories in my RSS feeds to read. Twilight is less than 20 days away from premiering in the states and the twi-hards are going post crazy.

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Sing Us A Song You're The Piano Man

Wow i never really contemplated the piano and how people play it until i ery slowly. I always knew that pianists were talented but now i have a new appreciation for their abilities as I am still struggling along. I am practicing the chords, all that major and minor key stuff is confusing me. Plus the notes that i need to hit always seem to be the furtherest point away from each other and i have to stretch to reach the keys, more often then not taking the next one along with it to produce that awful wrong note sound. But i know that its just practice and rehearsal. I am sure that Billy Joel or Elton John or Alicia Keys were once at the level that I am now. Only they were 5 years old. Well my dreams of being a rock star musician were always limited to vocalist. But being tone deaf kind of quashed that dream. And I know the whole spiel about if you want something badly enough yada yada but quite frankly there is not a vocal teacher on this planet that could make my voice listenable. Or tolerable. I'll put singing lessons on my list of things to do when i have so much money i can afford to flit it away on totally useless things.

On other not really interesting but i feel i should post something news I have started trying out new styles with my hair. I am getting little bit bored with it but after chatting with mum i don't think i will change it. She thinks the colour is great and even though I keep seeing pictures of brunette celebrities with fabulous hair, i think, at the end of the day what i am most unhappy with is my face and not my hair. Changing the colour of my hair will not change the way my face looks or the dark shadows under my eyes. I thought maybe darker hair would go better with my paler skin as i always felt that being blonde you should be tanned. So i am going to my hairdresser tomorrow so i don't think i will do anything drastic. If i got it cut off and shaped i would soon get sick of it and wish it was long and grow it back. Again change the face not the hair. Or the neckline under my jaw because it is heading south. I swear i would plastic surgery its ass so fast if i had the money but apparently the neck is one area that is very hard to nip and tuck (or so i have read). Besides at this point i would rather use the money to clear up the old acne scars and the rather unattractive dark spots and splotches (no not freckles, freckles are smaller,lighter in colour and usually cuter) that i have. According to my dermatologist its melasma which is hormonal and due to roaccutane. He says its much more harder to get rid of then say freckles and no over the counter stuff will fade it (i figured as much). Apparently lasers are the way to go; they have had great results at fading. Lasers = expensive. I is poor. Life never seems to go your way does it.

Guess i will just have to find a new way of doing my hair so that it covers my face.

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I Can Hear Music

I have taken up playing the piano,or more technically, the organ. I dug my old portable keyboard out of the garage and plugged it in. I had heard Fur Elise played on the piano and had grandiose visions of myself replicating it. I always wished I learnt the piano but we didn't have one and my parents wouldn't pay for lessons. Hence the organ, which was really good, the type that has all different instrument settings and rythmns and automatic chords. Ah chords, that was my downfall so perhaps it was best that i didn't take up the piano. I could never get my head around what both my hands were doing at the same time. If it was a one note chord on the left hand I was fine, but three different keys and stretching the hands to reach the keys and usually being slower than what the right hand is playing just totally threw me off. I could play the right hand fine; i should point out that this was when i was ten so i was using books that printed the letters of the notes on them and weren't too complicated. Songs like Wooden Heart, Jingle Bells, easy versions of classic compositions. I liked the fact that my organ had a program where you could hit one chord note and it actually played the three at once so it sounded a lot more professional. So i have been reacquainting myself with my old books. Its pretty much all coming back to me. I was trying to remember why i gave it up; I think it must have been because i was getting older and i couldn't be bothered taking the next step to learn how to read music and thus practice more difficult songs. And judging by how quickly the songs came back to me and how quickly I got a bit bored, I think the same song selection would have bored me.

But boy haven't things changed in the 15 or 20 years. Whereas I used to have to go out and hunt for sheet music today, thanks to our old friend the internet, you can print them out yourselves. A lot of the sites you have to pay for the sheet music but there are a few sites that have free sheet music, usually public domain or classic songs. The problem that I find is that I have not heard the tune being played so therefore I have no idea how it goes and am just kind of plucking at keys. I have aldo decided to start learning the proper three chords, slowly, i seem to have got my head around the basic white keys ones, its when they throw in a sharp or a flat that i have to contort my hand to hit them. Plus I am playing everything s-l-o-w-l-y as i am learning it. I downloaded Pachelbels Canon for piano (a pretty basic version) and spent today practicing it. I started about 2 o clock or so and by dinner time I had both hands down pat and could play four lines together and it actually sounded like it meant to. Its just a matter of practicing it to committ it to memory. Its hard not to get flustered and hit the wrong key; i actually notice that my mind wanders and i am not concentrating, even just slightly like i take my eyes off the keyboard or sheet music or look down at the floor and interrupt my train of thought and I am like, wait where am i up to.

Anyways I have tentatively downloaded a basic version of the entertainer to try tomorrow. But i may have bitten off more than I can chew as its timing between the left and right hand is so different that you literally are playing two tunes at once and i can't seem to not focus on one and not neglect the other. But i shall think of it as a challenge. Plus its keeping my occupied. Time really flew today, instead of clockwatching. Its nice for a change.

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Nothing Much Interesting Happened Today

Unusual isn't it.

It was warm today, in fact it was a little too warm although i prefer that to rainy days. I forced myself to go out today, i have really bad blisters on both feet so i think its time to get some new sneakers. Pauls Warehouse had a 2 for 1 sale in town so we went in there - they are in this old market store warehouse, the escalators don't work, there is no air circulation and PW is on the third floor. There were a million people around and only 3 sales staff in the footwear department; the had shoes labelled for running and cross training and casual but i could not find anything for walking and with 2 whole walls of shoes that almost look identical i didn't have a chance.

After what seemed like an eternity although was probably only 20 mins I jumped a salesman that became free. Why oh why did it have to be a male salesmen when i was wearing a dress that looked ridiculous when trying on sneakers and i had been too lazy to shave my legs. After finding out that they didn't have 3 different shows in my size it was narrowed down to two. The one that looked nice (hey i am shallow okay) was too snug across the foot which is coincidentally where my blisters are. The other pair are Asics and they are a muted grey colour. I didn't really like the look of them (perhaps i am just used to the white funky looking ones with the trim and the stripes etc) but i have to admit they fit better and i could feel my heels were cushioned well. And they were discounted $70 bucks. Sold.

So now i have new shoes and hopefully less blisters. So i can continue walking which allows me to daydream about things other than my real life. I am so happy there.

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Well you know that the pickings on television are slim when you find yourself watching a program called Psychic Kids. I think it is horrible that these people are exploiting peoples pain - this father is obviously in pain over his missing son and the idea that they can give him false hope disgusts me. If they were just taking money from people who come in for a reading or something that is one thing but to, urgh, it just annoys me. Feeding off peoples desperation. And know they have kids involved. Probably looking for the next John Edwards to make a packet off. I shouldn't be so cynical, perhaps its just the fact that there is nothing to watch on tv has made me cranky.

I went for two walks today. The first was this morning, down to get the local paper and back. Lost about half an hour talking to a lady walking two cute dogs; she obviously likes a talk so we were discussing all sorts of thing. I couldn't make my escape politely enough. When i finally got away my body had obviously cooled down because my calf muscles hurt so much and i felt stiff. Plus the battery died in my Iriver. I had to walk up my street with nothing but the thoughts in my head. It was the longest walk of my life.

I kind of bummed around today; spent most of it surfing. I tried to watch a video but wasn't really into it, tried to have a nap but wasn't really tired. I was actually checking the time waiting for it to be around 4pm so i could go for another walk. I just wanted to get out of the house and its the best way to do it. I couldn't go early because it was a hot sunny day and i would burn to a crisp (or rather add another million ugly freckles to my body). This time i went a different way - the other side of the town from the way i usually went. It was nice as half of it had designated pathways so i didn't have to dodge the traffic. Its scary how fast some cars are going in a 60/70km zone.

I had a follow up appointment with Dr KJS; it was a bit lackluster. There has not been a major upheavel, which is probably my fault and i expected nothing less,however its still kind of offputting. I don't feel the buoyancy or the elation that i felt when i left last time. But as they say this is just the beginning, my life starts now. Actually tomorrow as its late and i don't have anywhere to go.

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Ooh I am ever so naughty. I haven't written anything is about 5 days. Musn't keep the masses waiting any longer; I am sure they need an update about the life of Hips Magee and her sidekick Lord Stinkypants.

I finished my temp job at the engineering place. It was so lovely on Tuesday morning to wake up and not have to go sit somewhere for 7 and a half hours and feign enthusiasm and interest. I wish i could make that a career itself; perhaps teaching others how to act enthusiased and together and confident to help them in their pursuits. It is something that I excel in. I am the perfect little administrator/secretary/receptionist: I will follow yours orders with a smile on my face, do the menial tasks you designate me with the grace of an angel, all the time despising the fact that I have to do what others tell me to.

Enough of that. Yesterday i went for another temp interview with a planning firm. It was a temp job up until christmas and then they were going to review whether it may become a permanent role. It was an administrator role, least it wasn't reception, more like pushing papers around on a desk or creating files on the computer. I think I did okay in the interview, again I came across as enthusiastic and interested all the time mentally trying to count the exact number of days i would have to turn up to the place. I think it was like 60 days. 60 days of getting up early, driving in the horrible work traffic, having to park in a parking station and foot the bill and for what - a boring role in a boring office. God why does all admin have to be in boring jobs. Isn't there any exciting or interesting fields out there that require administration that goes beyond the realm of just typing letters and filing and binding.

The recruitment lady told me to be quietly confident as i was the front runner of the candidates - however there were only two candidates interviewed. I was more like quietly dying at the prospect of returning to the employed world. Turns out i don't have to worry because ONCE AGAIN I have been pipped at the post for a role that went to someone that worked for the company. It was OneSteel all over again. 'Cept this time the worker wasn't even on the scene until this morning when one office was talking to the sydney head office and mentioned it and lo and behold they had the perfect candidate that was interested. Is going to move up from Sydney for it. Well good on her.

I should be happy right? No time to think now as I can hear Lord Stinkypants quietly snoring in the bean bag and its kind of making me tired. Will probably think about it lying in bed but hopefully will drift off. Maybe i will have some more madcap dreams like last nights time travel scenario and gangster apartment block.

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The Definition Of Stupidity.

Signing up to Facebook when you have no friends.

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Paging Dr Fun

Please report to Hips Magee immediately, she is in dire need of medical attention in the fun department. And the excitement department. And the happiness depar.. oh and the interesting department. Well you get the picture.

Well i have finished four temp days so far. Man that place is a tomb. I know that being a temp people dont waste time getting to know you but they don't even chat amongst themselves. It's all sit at desk and work and type and thats it. The girls that finish at four practically sprint out the door as if they can't wait to get away from there. Can't blame them, the office is dull. The engineering bit is dull. The staff is mostly middle aged men and the few females that are there have little to no personality. Honestly compared to them I am the life of the party. I could not live like that, or more correctly work like that. Sitting at a desk watching the clock in the corner of the computer screen. Oh god it has only been 5 minutes since i last checked. This day is taking forever. That kind of thing. I have one or two days left this week, officially its only one but i may be kept on another day; i will know on Monday. Think of the money Hips, think of the money. I swear if it all gets taken out in tax i am going to spac it. I worked 30 hours in 4 days and by my calculations earned around $600, way more that what i got in my full time job. Add to that the days this week and it should increase. I don't know how temp work is taxed so i am worried i am going to end up with like $400. So not worth it. Better then the centrelink handouts but still.

I have another interview this week for a temp role that is about two months. I am processing a lot of thoughts and feelings about this. I was so glad the current temp job is a week, that's what kept me from running out of there. Suffer for seven days, get paid and you will never have to work there again. Now i am wondering if i would be able to survive 8 weeks. Granted the role looks far more in depth and complicated so i would be kept busy however i can picture myself sitting in an office at a desk. I don't like it. I am already setting mysef up for failure i know but still. Speak to me Oh gods of inspiration, tell me the path to take to a better life and career. If i am stuck in a job i hate my life will be downhill no matter what.

Whew! I thought i was just hearing the rumble of thunder which could mean logging of the internet however its blue skies outside and the rumble went on to long which means its probably a truck or something that is careening over the many potholes that adorn our local streets.

The final Twilight movie trailer was released yesterday and the blogs are abuzzing with it. Its only like a month until its release in the States, i think it is 2 months until it comes down under. Anyways i watched and it has me hooked again. Damn book and its fictional perfect hero. Fuck. I was going good for a while where i seemed to have got over my obsession with it but as of yesterday i am back thinking about it, and edward and robert pattinson and the hype. Oh what i wouldn't give to be looked at like that. To be held like that. To be loved and adored like that. But alas i have resigned myself to the fact that it will never be. Why? Because there is no such man in the real world. Just like there is no real Mr Darcy, there is no Edward so pining for someone like that is a futile attempt. So i just lock it away. I look at the guys out there and i realise that they are nothing like what i want. Who wants a meathead, a chauvinist, a sexist git; guys are just so juvenile, so stupid. I have felt this way even when i was young which led to the previously mentioned drought in my teens. Its why i have never been on a date with anyone. I can't just do it with someone i am not interested in, attracted to or challenged by. So i wonder if perhaps i am a lesbian. But i know i am not due to my crushes on so many hot and unattainable guys that exist (usually on the other side of the world) and who don't even know that i exist. Think about it. Whilst i swoon over Gerard Butler and Robert Pattinson, surf the web looking at pictures and reading about their lives, they have no idea I exist. But thats probably a good thing because I don't have anything to offer them; it's not like they would take one look at me and fall in love with me. Hmmm what would hurt more being in love with someone who doesn't know you exist or being in love with someone who knows you exist but is not interested in you. Ouch. Either way I end up with nothing but heartache.

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Centre Of Attention.

Why can't I be?

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The Yawns Are Coming Thick And Fast

Man I would kill for some excitement in my life.

I have just finished Day 2 of my stint as a temp (the temp as the other co-workers call me). Reflecting on the two days so far i am worried that I may have to return to this life of a full time office worker. The bleating of the phone, the noise of the photocopier, the way the time seems to go so slow until your escape. Is this monotony my destiny? If it is I can't last another 30 years, i truly can't stand to do it for a week. I feel so tired tonight i didn't go for a walk. I got the yawns at about 3pm this afternoon at my desk; you know the ones that come one after another after another and you have to try to stifle them if anyone walks past. There is no fun in the office. I know that i am only a temp so am an outsider but even the regular staff barely talk to each other except about work. They just sit and type. Or shuffle paper. Or walk from their desk to the photocopier and back. My work involves front desk reception although it does not generate a lot of walk in clients thank goodness, less interruptions. Less interruptions means more time to do the stupid virtual archiving. As in scanning a Manila folder stuff with documents from about 4 years ago and creating a soft copy, labelling it under the specific job number and saving it. It is a constant stop and start; go through paperwork in folder removing all staples and paperclips, get up walk to copier, set copier to email to my desk and scan documents, walk back to desk, open PDF and rename it correct job number before saving. I try to do it in batches yet standing at the photocopier feeding each individual file through is mind numbing; like why can't i be somewhere else. Sure it's supposedly good that I am out amongst people instead of locked away by myself in my bedroom however these people are the most bland, anti social bunch. Not a looker among them.

I am going to sign off now as my eyelids are getting heavy. I hope I don't fall asleep in my dinner.

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All Hail Lord Stinkypants.

As I write this Lord Stinkypants is asleep on the rug, flat out, the only movement is the rise and fall of his fat little tummy as he dreams away. His lordship is a master of sleeping; he trains for hours a day perfecting his technique, using the left side and the right, balancing on his back, legs in the air. On the chair, on the rug, in the bean bag, in the hallway, outside my bedroom door if i am inside, by the front door, by the back door. He is truly an allrounder, worthy of a gold medal.

I feel bad about this though. I think he got his laziness from me. It's like I brought him down to my level of apathy. And now he's firmly entrenched in it. And unlike me he is not enthusiastic about going for any long walks. He likes to go for his morning walk but that is really only about half a kilometre if that. And it's mostly stop start because he has to sniff the grass along the way. Make sure his territory is still marked and all that. And then claim his territory. I often wondering what he is thinking when he is so intently sniffing the grass. Is he picturing other dogs that have been there? Can he smell some food? Wouldn't surprise me if he could, its the only thing that is on his radar.

Anyways I did get to go for a walk this afternoon. I had fallen asleep this afternoon after playing Mahjong Solitaire (you have to concentrate and it's probably more thinking then I have done all week) only to discover at 4pm that it was sunny. So off i trotted with the aim of going down to the shops to get Vegemite and Grazia. I made it down there just on 5pm and got vegemite but there was no Grazia magazine in Bi-Lo. I was planning to walk back via the service station to try my luck however by now the sky had turned a dark grey and there was a major wind blowing. It almost took my cap off on another occasion. It looked like it was going to rain so i called in the troops to pick me up. Of course it didn't rain but had I not called it would have poured.

I better sign off now as I am trying to do too many things at once.

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"Oh Yeah, Don't Drive On The Railroad Track."

"Eh Phil. That's one I happen to agree with."

Bill Murray played such a good part in Groundhog Day. Its like it was tailor made for him. I know the paragraph that the above two lines came from off by heart and I can literally see them driving along the railroad track, bumping up and down over the planks. The movie was on cable not long ago and i happened upon it at this part (unfortunately i have seen GD so many times I am actually sick of it), and of course said the lines word for word. My mother thought it was amazing that i could remember that. Perhaps thats an explanation why i can't remember anything i learnt in Year 12 maths.

Now perhaps if Bill Murray was our maths teacher.....

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I Don't Really Like My Friends.

Well I seem to have crashed this evening. I knew things weren't right this afternoon, I had a drowsiness that I could not shake and I just was not feeling up. By up I mean I feel lighter, happier even though there is no actual reason for feeling happier. I just kind of felt enthusiastic even though i had no reason to and nothing to look forward to. I would have to put that down to the new tablets that I started last Monday. It hasn't even been a week, surely I would not crash like that so soon. I wouldn't be surprised though, this always happens to me whenever I try new tablets or increase the dose of whatever I am on. I always come down exactly where i was. Its been like this for years; three or four different medications, different dosages, too much money spent on psychiatry or psychologists and for what? I am exactly where I was 10 years ago. Do you know how depressing that is? Tears are actually starting to well up in my eyes thinking about it. Is this all there is? Really? This is as good as it gets? Go up only to come back down. I should just save the time and the money and the energy and stay here because it's where I will end up.

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I Am Actually Annoyed That It Is Raining Right Now

Although it is a relief from the hot weather of the last two days, I am annoyed that it chose to start raining an hour before i usually go for my afternoon walk. I was so looking forward to listening to my music and zoning out in fantasy daydream land. Beats sitting on my butt at the computer trying to come up with ideas to look at. But I can't because its raining. Well kind of anyways. More halfheartedly than anything but the ground is all wet and slippery and the sky is gun metal grey. I must admit outside looks kind of nice in the wet. You can smell the rain in the air, and all the grass and leaves are glistening green which really stands out against the grey sky.

So in my virtual surfing i have been checking up on one of my two style idols, Milla Jovovich. Not a good idea as she is currently over in Paris doing the rounds of the spring summer 2008 shows. Lets See..... Chanel, Christian Dior, Jean Paul Gaultier, Givenchy, parties, premieres, gala exhibitions. Nice work if you can get it. And oh how i wish i could. Wearing designer clothes, sitting front row and watching all the glorious clothes, people clamouring to take your photo, doing the blog rounds in the who-wore-what posts. Let's see what have i done in the last three days, the same three days as Milla above: went shopping and bought some work outfits from target, bought new headphones for my IRiver, perused the fashion magazines at Borders in the hope that Lucky is out (its not yet), sat in bed surfing the net, exercised, slept and went to Centrelink to talk about my Activity Agreement. WooHoo. Who needs the glamour and the glitz, it's all right here.

I'm hungry but I don't know what i feel like.

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It's A Little Too Hot for 10 In The Evening.

It's one of those sticky, muggy Friday nights and I am spending it alone in my room. Party up in here!

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Zippity Do Dah

*Sigh* And not a good sigh either. I just can't think of much to write about. There is nothing good to watch on TV. All in all just a pretty depressing Thursday night.

I went for two walks today - the morning was roughly 7kms and the evenings was nearly 4km. Doesn't feel like i walked 11kms today; granted my legs were feeling pretty woozy by dinner time and my feet are all red from being squashed into sweaty sneakers.

I have nothing much to say so i shall sign off. Sorry for the lack of uninterestingness.

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My Computer Is Getting Fat From All The Cookies It Seems To Be Eating.

So after yesterdays long winded and rather jam packed edition today I find myself without an existentialist crisis or fear of wasting my life. Is this the result of these new tablets that are supposed to settle my restless mind? I seem to be only tracking one thought at a time of late and even they are not that interesting. At the moment my thoughts are turning to how Blogger is giving me the shits. The text won't format correctly and each time i try to highlight all of it to change the font it wipes it completely and of course i can't undo. I usually don't have a problem with it; not that it matters though as i believe the template i am using reformats the text to suit its need. It annoys me that i can't leave a space between paragraphs.

I got a surprising call from the recruitment agency about 3pm this afternoon. Shocked the hell out of me as i never expected to hear from them again like the rest of the recruitment agencies. They just put me in a one week temp role as a receptionist at an engineering firm about half an hour away in an industrial estate. No interview, no rigmarole just turn up at 8:30am next tuesday. A weeks worth of $20 per hour work is more than welcome at this stage and even i can tolerate answering phones and photocopying for 5 days.

I went for a walk this morning and a walk this afternoon. I tried out my new shorts this arvo, the inside leg of the right one seems to want to ride up and i know that way too much of my pale cellulite is on display to the passers (or more specifically drivers) by. But it is warming up and if i want to get a little bit of colour on my legs they will have to see sun eventually. I am not even the nice creamy pale a la cate blanchett or the veritable english rose. I am translucent, almost see through. Mmm splotches.

I am getting sick of seeing Anne Hathaway's big mouth smiling everywhere. She is always on some red carpet wearing some nice outfit. No one ever mentions that Rachel Zoe picks her clothes. Fashion mags and gossip blogs all laud over her fashion choices saying how much more mature she is looking, how stylish and more together. Also note the dropping of the excess weight. Par for the course these days really. I have been walking for an hour almost every day for about a month but i don't see any difference. I know that i should be running to get a greater aerobic capacity and burn calories quicker but my knees hurt from walking so i am not even going to attempt running. I know (cause i can feel) that i have tight and toned muscles; they are just covered by 10kgs of lumpy pale cellulite. I need one of those Ped Egg contraptions but for the thighs so that i can slough of the excess blubber to reveal my toned legs.

Until next time....

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Man The Cramp In My Calf Muscles This Morning Was A Doozey.

Well i have let the updates get away from me but now that the laptop is returned I can type from just about anywhere. So what has happened since sunday night? Well i made my way to the interview at the untimely hour of 9am. It was in this huge engineering and industrial complex and my email instructions were to go to building 7. It was way too much to ask that there be a flashing neon 7 on one of the buildings. I rang the recruitment agency because i figured the girl would have gone there to meet with them. She was in a meeting - bugger damn shit. Anyways after 15 minutes of wandering the site - not a person in site, it was like there was a nuclear fallout of something i find the entrance and have to sign in and get myself a neat little day pass to clip on my suit.

For half an hour I answered their questions, being careful to sell myself as the worlds greatest administrator, even thought it was a mind numbing job of just reformatting their OH & S manuals. It was between me and one other girl that was being interviewed next. Cept nobody mentioned that she actually already worked for the company and was trying to get transferred. So who do you think they chose? That's right,the person that already works for the company. Her only greater competency than me was that she could navigate her way around the rabbit warren building. And to add insult to it, the recruitment lady rang and was all bubbly asking me how i thought it went. I spent 2 minutes saying how great i thought i went and that i would be able to handle the job and everything was good and then she tells me i that unfortunately, althought they had nothing but positive things to say about me, they had decided to go with the current employee. Why do companys not interview internally first and then if they can't find someone then go externally. Do they not know how much effort job seekers go through for interviews. Making sure all the clothes are neat and tidy, trying to tame hair and make face look half decent, researching the company and finding out pointless crap about them. Getting themselves all psyched up and travelling there and the waiting and the talking and the after interview dissection. Bastards. I am not disappointed about missing out on the job, i am disappointed in missing out on $20 per hour. I could use the cash. Money good, poor bad. Perhaps i could sell my eggs.

The other main event of the day is that i finally saw the latest in a long line of doctors in relation to my mind/depression/anxiety/general malaise towards the world. I didn't know what to expect but Dr KJS seems like a nice person even if his pants were falling down. I was with him for about 3 hours in this tiny little room. He made me feel comfortable and even though he was on one side of the desk and i on the other, I did not get that patronising "I am a doctor" vibe from him. He asked me questions about my life thus far and everything that had happened. He was scribbling all these notes of blank pieces of A4 paper; kind of like mind maps but a bit less organised. I am assuming that it will be typing into the computer as a proper file.

Anyways to sum up what was an interesting and illuminating 3 hours he diagnosed that I had a restless mind syndrome, something along the lines of ADD. More so then depression. He thinks that the depression is the outcome of the restless mind problems, not the cause of the problems. Hopefully he is right. I have to say what he said made a lot of sense, the quiz that i took that i had to answer, all the time, sometimes,occasionally, seldom, never etc had a lot of experiences that i have had. Like really almost describing me. The fact that out of 25 questions i had 70% in the always or quite a lot meant that i was a candidate. He summed it up by saying that my brain is "all dressed up and nowhere to go" - i can relate to that especially lately when i have been bored and have nothing to do. I really wish that i had taped the session as i am struggling to reiterate what he said and how he explained it. It's kind of like the activity part of my brain is like members of an orchastra; each have their own thing to do but they need to follow the conductor in order for it all to be put together and make beautiful music. But my conductor is sitting down reading a newspaper at the moment and neglecting his duties to order up the orchastra, so they in turn are just kind of doing their own thing and not working together and therefore not being effective. I now have tablets that are the equivalent of a big tough guy walking over to the conductor, yanking the newspaper out of his hands, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging his to the orchastra. A big hard " get the fuck over there and fix this shit will ya" Get em organised. The funny thing is he gave me this tablet to try and told me to go away for about 40 minutes to see if it had any effect. I was flabbergasted that it was supposed to work that quick. Kind of like Panadol quick. Having been on AD's for so long i am accustomed to a long wait for them to kick in. I sat in the car reading for half an hour and trying to notice if there was any difference to me. I was not expecting much and i kind of can't tell whether or not i noticed anything or whether i kind of talked myself into it. Everything just seemed clearer/sharper; stuff that i was looking at just seemed sharper. I was reading a book and the black type stood out on the white paper and i couldn't tell if it was just a trick of the mind. I guess i kind of felt serene, mellow but as I said to Dr KJS there is not a lot of life changing/panic inducing problems in the coles carpark at swansea. He laughed and agreed. I have decided to take this course of tablets; i didn't want to procrastinate and put off something that may help me. The problem is they are basically like speed. If anyone else had given it to me it would be illegal. I got read the riot act at the chemist this morning about keeping them locked away etc etc.

So i am underway on my first day of treatment. I will update my progress accordingly. I have just noticed that i have written a bloody lot. I hear the familiar squish of the beanbag and see that Lord Stinkypants is currently in the process of enveloping himself in it. I love how he trys to climb in but if the bean bag is too high he turns around and looks at me to help him. So i must sign off now as m'Lord requires a helping hand.

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Lost In Ambivalence

Sigh. It is the night before the interview. My ambivalence has set in. You know, the one that makes you think you don't really care if you get the job so that if you don't get the job the rejection doesn't crush you. Eight weeks worth of money would be kind of neat though as I have $8 in my bank account. Yes yes i have $2K in the other one but i kind of don't want to deplete that if necessary. Anyways not really in the mood to talk.

Think I will go to bed and dream about Edward Cullen. Yeah good one.

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Why Did I Make Myself Icecream When I Don't Even Want It

So apparently my rant about job seeking yesterday was a bit early. I got a call from the recruitment agency on Friday afternoon saying that the company would love to meet with me on Monday. That's more like it. So have to be at said engineering firm at 9am for interview with the HR Manager. I have to say that I am immensely relieved that this is going ahead. The thought that I wouldn't even make interviews for a simple admin job where its only temporary and if you suck they can get rid of you, pretty much made me feel worthless. Oh and I hate the sitting around and waiting for the call from the agency. Put my life on hold on the off chance that I get a call. Carry my mobile in my pocket so that every time i take a step i can feel the phone against my leg - another reminder.

Today being Saturday I decided to walk down to the local shops to get the Saturday paper. The idea is that i will look for jobs in the paper. The paper is still sitting folded in the neat carry bag my mum made for me. The downside of said neat carry bag is that now i have no reason to call mum to come and pick me up at the shops. It is 4 kilometres from our house to the news agency and there is no way that I will walk 4kms carrying a thick paper ( or Grazia when it comes out). Now I have no excuse as I am hands free for the return trip. I think I get about halfway back, so what 6kms, when my legs start to protest. What I really hate and is really tough is that the last kilometre of road curves down so that if i walk on the correct side of the road i am in the lowest part and sometimes have a habit of schooching sideways off the road completely. I probably look slightly intoxicated however should the odd car pass me I am able to pull myself together for the fifteen seconds and look like the power walker i am so desperately trying to be.

So its Saturday night. And how is the party animal that is Hips Magee spending it i hear you ask? At home with her parents. On the computer, reorganising her IRiver for walking music. Oh and i seem to be biting all my nails off. I don't know why I am, I haven't bitten my nails in a while. In fact just last week I had to file my nails down because they were getting too long to type with. Guess i won't have that problem anymore. So biting my nails means i am worried about something. What though? Looks like I am going to have to delve into my psyche for some answers.

I finally got an idea for a story to work on for my creative writing. It's not bad and I am just in the process of trying to work out characters. It's funny how before when I was watching TV and I came up with the idea, and I got all excited and enthused. I wanted to work on the story but I was in the middle of a TV show. I lamented the fact that my mother had taken the laptop away for the weekend so i could not sit and work on it. Now that the show is finished and, as always on Saturday night, there is absolutely nothing worth watching, I have moved into the computer. Yet now my momentum has waned and I seem to find other things to do on the computer eg write this entry, reorganise my IRiver. What's that about - why can I not follow through on the idea. I will never write a book if i don't start but why can't I bring myself to start. Fear of failure? probably. Fear of putting a lot of time and effort into something that i will fail miserably at. Ding Ding Ding we have a winner folks. Why can't I realise that i can never become a paid author if i don't start writing? I have to start somewhere. David Beckham would never have become so great at soccer if he decided to skip practice when he was ten and watch telly.

Another thing that I am feeling lately is jealousy towards young actors and actresses. Hold that thought - it sounds like Lord Stinkypants has come down from his bed and wants to go outside. He went to bed at 7:30 when it became clear that I was not going to give him any of my yummy Thai sweet chili rolls. Now he will go out, bark at whatever nocturnal wildlife is out in the yard and then demand to come back in so he can go back to bed; be it in the bean bag or his doggie bed. The life of some hey. Anyways back to the jealousy. I see all these pretty young things in their teens and twenties. Being hyped up, going to parties, wearing designer clothes, being talked about and lauded over by fans and getting to spend their days making movies and being paid for it. I WANT THAT. When people ask me what I want to do i want to yell that. I want to act, to be famous, to be pretty and to never ever have to worry about money again. But how do you say that when you are 30, are known to be quite shy and have never acted in your life. And even if I wanted to how the hell am i supposed to start. i have looked up acting classes and drama in newcastle et al and there is like 4, 3 of which are talent agencies. How can i find out if i am any good at acting here in this boring town. Unfortunatly acting is not something that you can learn online. And even if i could I would never be discovered hiding away here in little old backwater town. So what am i supposed to do, uproot myself from my safe place and throw myself into a huge town where i know no-one and feel about as cosmopolitan as an old boot all for the pursuit of a pipe dream. That would be living the dream, following the yellow brick road, creating my own happiness and destiny.

Wouldn't want to do a silly thing like that.

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Man I Forgot To Think Of A Title Before Posting.

Okay so five o clock came and went and no call from the recruitment agency. I kind of can't beleive it - i am so qualified for the role i am practically overqualified and yet i can't even get this role. So what am I supposed to make of that. I'm not good enough to answer phones and type documents for 8 weeks? Ah god i am over it.

I went for another walk this afternoon just because i was feeling antsy; i had to admit its a lot cooler around 4pm then it is first thing in the morning. I ambled along watching other people live their lives, driving, mowing the yard, talking to neighbours. People driving, i wonder where they are going, and what they are thinking when they see me loping down the road with my water bottle and my slightly scowled expression. The aircraft jets were playing their war games in the sky above so the noise kept drowning out my headphones - i am concious of turning them up to loud; i hate when i am lying in bed at night and hear ringing. I start to panic that i am going deaf and that i will never listen to my headphones again. But all is forgotten by morning. Lord Stinkypants was most disappointed that i went for my second walk without him - i call still see the look of abandonment on his face and he stared after me through the fence. But I am sorry mate I wanted to walk, not stop every 5 minutes to sniff grass and mark your territory for some invisible foe that you will never meet. If i am going to go walking it has to have some benefit either aerobically or fat burning.

I feel like writing, creatively i mean, as in fiction. But i cant think of a story or plotline that i haven't lifted from something that has already been written. I am very good at daydreaming and have an overactive imagination which i am sure i can utilise however none of these have plots so would be incredibly boring after about 10 pages. Seeing as that is the case I thought I would try my hand at some fan fiction; the characters are already fleshed out. However there is something that seems to be stopping me. As if there is a little voice in my head saying "it won't be that good a story so why waste your time on it when you could be doing other things". This is a voice that i hear a lot and that same phrase could be applied to a lot of other scenarios. And it wins. Pretty much all of the time. It keeps me in my shell, my boring shell, my lonely shell. I just go around in circles - i wish i had a life but the voice in my head says its too much work and that its going to be a waste of time so don't bother. So I don't. Then i lament my lack of fun, friends and happiness etc.

So can someone out there please give me a metaphorical kick up the ass.

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I Am Much Better At Self Pity In Someone Else's Kitchen

God i am so annoyed, i just wrote a whole paragraph about how tired and cold i am feeling today but when i highlighted it all to justify the text it disappeared and no amount of pressing the undo will make it come back. I dont have the energy to rewrite it again so in summary: i am feeling tired today (even after my long walk) and chilly. Unusual. Maybe its the overcast weather, there is no light and no warmth from the sun.

I am currently waiting to hear back from the recruitment agency regarding the temp job i interviewed for. I made the shortlist now i have to wait to see if the company wants to interview me. I hate this part: the waiting - being at the mercy of people I don't know and who dont know me yet are going to judge me on four pieces of paper that consitutes my working life. And i won't get started on those four pieces of paper. My life = 4 pieces of A4, everything i have done in my thirty odd years of existence. I just have to stop and be bummed out for a bit.

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Some Helpful Advice

If you are female and questioning your worth as a human being and/or your life in general, never watch a show On E! Television Channel called Top 25 TV Cash Queens.

Just don't. Is all I am going to say

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La Vie En Rose

Well today i have been mired in my boredom. It was raining when i woke up this morning so i could not go for a walk. That is like literally the first thing i thought of. Normally it would be Yay no walk and go back to sleep, but my ADs have pretty much caused me insomnia so sleeping in is pretty much a no go. This new sleeping pattern is weird. I love sleeping, sleeping a lot is good. Know why? Because I can tune out of reality, tune into a dream world where I am happy and all is right. Until you wake up. Saturday afternoon and nothing to do? Sleep for 3 or 4 hours and thats the afternoon taken care of. Four less hours of sucky life to lead. My mum says that i am sleeping my life away and she is probably correct. If you had my life you would want to sleep it away.

However now my last bastion of escape, sleep, is all but non existant. I can usually only sleep for two hours or so before i wake up. Then it takes a while to go back to sleep. I dont feel sleep deprived but i kind of miss the tiredness that you get at the end of the day when you can't wait to go to sleep and sink into a nice warm bed and soft pillow. Or the refreshed feeling of waking at 9am on a saturday and feeling good. And now i no longer have sleep to retreat to when i am bored or lonely. I could be doing so many fabulous things in my sleep, now i don't have that safety. So i have taken up staring at the walls in its place. Not as much fun though because reality keeps cutting in on my daydreams.

Lord Stinkpants and I went for a drive at lunch time today, kind of like a breakout. I had just showered after doing 20 minutes of the elliptical and i had that post workout high which i wanted to hold onto. I had no real reason to go into the Terrace so i decided it would be to get petrol (whilst it is slightly cheaper today) and have one of those mint chocolate waffle cones from Maccas (thus undoing the aforementioned elliptical work). It was a grey old day but at least it stopped raining on the drive in there. As always there was not enough choc mint sauce on my waffle cone but it was nice. Lord Stinkypants approved of the crunchy waffle cone. I gave him the final end piece of the cone once I had sucked all the soft serve out. However he was standing on the back seat overhang and, in his attempt to fit the oddly shaped cone in his mouth, managed to drop it down onto the floor behind the passanger seat. He just looked at it for a long time, as if he was working out if he could fit down there. The answer was no. After practically dislocating my shoulder to reach it (eww all slobbery) he cheerful wolfed it down in one gulp. And then proceeded to look at me expectantly. He needs to learn to savour his food a bit; he gulps it down as if me finding that he still has some food left means he is going to miss out on seconds. Not that i give him seconds but he is ever hopeful. Wish i could be that hopeful.

I have an interview tomorrow for a two month temp job doing administration at some engineering/mining place. They need someone to start this Friday. Whilst i kind of admit that i am going a little stir crazy being unemployed and actually think getting out amongst people would do me some good, i do not miss the early morning shower and dress routine, the drive into town with all the impatient stupid ass drivers who are coming from the Bay and are running late. How dare i go the speedlimit, how dare i get in their way. I swear if it would not cost me money to repair my car, i would so ram right into people. People seem to think that because they are sheltered in their car, anonymous if you like and out of reach of any thrown punches, that they can get away with being rude. Well i tell them this: Look out for the depressed blonde in the red camry, I just may take you out. It will be worth it.

Anyways back on track, my interview with the recruitment agency is at 9am tomorrow. 9am!!!! Its not like i will miss sleeping in but jeez why do people have to start so early?? Bloody morning people and their insistence of getting the most out of their day. I hope us night owls eventually take over the world; i would love to see how the early birds would react to the 10pm interview time, or the 8:30pm doctors appointment.

I have the song La Vie En Rose in my head. Unfortunately its in French; i don't speak French. Its kind of awkward.

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All Hyped Up With Nowhere to Go.

I went for a walk nice and early this morning. Well early for me being 7:30am. I have to be back before the sun gets heat in its rays and trys to scorch my roaccutane sensitive skin. Why didn't i take up walking two months ago in winter when the sun was less intense. Who would have thought that i would actually be looking forward to going for a walk. I walked the streets for nearly a hour and a half today. Its nice to be listening to my music as i walk and its also nice to daydream. I think thats why i like walking because it gets me out of my confined little space and into a daydream world where I am fabulous, fit and totally the opposite of everything i am. It also gets rid of the cabin fever that i have because i always seem to be at home.

Home. It is so insufferable at the moment, so claustrophobic. So go out I hear you say. Where? I am so bored with life that shopping centres don't interest me, i can't get into any books from the library, I am too uncoordinated and fearful to take up a sport, restaurants don't interest me. Everywhere is just that same dull shade of grey. And it upsets me when i do go out to realise i have no where to go and that i eventually have to turn around and come home. But I know that Lord Stinkypants will be waiting patiently (albeit sleeping) for me to return...so i can supply more food.

On a different note i am surprised at how many shows i will be watching over the coming week on free to air tv. I have cable but lately there has been nothing that i want to watch. Its so frustrating, i can't even find a show that i am half interested in watching. Let me state for the record that i am not someone who zombies out in front of the television for 12 hours a day but i do watch television in the evening from 7 to 10 (most nights) I like it because i can switch off thinking for a while. Stop the record of thoughts playing in my head over and over and over and over.

The days seem to go by so slowly.

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What Is This I Am Feeling?

Okay so even though I am not classified as a Young Adult, i have recently read Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. I was surfing the web a couple of months ago and stumbled upon the movie info - i had never heard of it but the fans that were commenting on it were going off. I quite fancied Robert Pattinson who is playing the male lead so I figured that i would see what all the fuss is about.

I borrowed it from the library and left it on my desk for a day or two before I started to read it. I really loved the cover image, the blood red apple and the pale hands. Man i wish i could be creative like that. Anyways, I read this book in two days. And it was only two because i eventually had to sleep. I have honestly not read a complete book, be it fiction or non fiction, in a couple of years. Yet here I was carrying the book around with me in the house. I read it in the lounge, I read it in my bed, I read it on the patio, i read it during the commercials. What was it about this book? Its about a human girl falling in love with a vampire boy. First love, true love, the power of it and the obsession. Grade A romantic fantasy and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

I couldn't stop thinking about the story and the characters when i went to sleep that night. Here I am, quite the feminist who is happy to be single, wanting - no aching - for my own Edward. Of course i know the character is too perfect and such a human being doesn't exist but it didn't stop the longing. How i wished right then and there that i could be lying face to face with someone i adored. What is this? I have never felt like this. Why had 400 odd pages of fiction created a maelstrom in my soul?? Its a book Hips. They aren't real. Nothing could be like that. Am I setting myself up for a fall in the hopes that there is someone out there like that. One things for sure I am never going to meet him in this little backwater town i live in. God i want to slap myself. Or grab myself by the shoulders, shake myself and yell "Get A Grip". I am a grown woman for gods sake.

Another thing that this book has made me realise with a whopping great thud is that I am not a teenager anymore. The characters in the book are teenagers (well the girl is) and it has the whole first love vibe thing going on. I missed out on that feeling. And now i will never have that feeling - the feeling of young love. It makes me sad, really sad. I never liked any of the boys at school, they were pretty much idiots. I went through my entire teenage years without a kiss, or a crush, or the racing of my heart when i thought of someone. At the time I was alright with it - i didn't want to slum it with any of them. Now i kind of ache for it, a longing for something that will never be. Would my life have turned out differently if i had. Who knows. Can't go back. Yet.

And you know whats even worse, the point where the tears start to well up? That my twenties were exactly the same. Exactly. In fact i sit here now unkissed and unloved. Is there something wrong with me? Is there a guy out there for me or am i destined to always go to the movies alone? To be the odd one out at work or social functions? To keep receiving wedding invitations from my cousins, old school friends and work colleagues?

Bloody book.

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And So It Begins.

This will be a great opening to anyone reading this, but my psychologist told me to start writing down my thoughts and feelings so as to get them out of my head. I can't write using pen and paper at the same speed as my brain thinks stuff so the only alternative is typing. I started in Word but the document is so uninspiring. I figured why not do it properly. Hence the creation of one of the most uninspiring and potentially boring blogs in the history of blogdom. It was going to originally be called the adventures of hips magee but then i realised that i was lying to myself; i don't have adventures. If i was having adventures i wouldn't need this blog.

I am hoping to just blurt out my thoughts and my feelings so it will probably be nonsensical and whiny. Please note that i have extremely good grammer and spelling skills as well as the ability to properly format a sentence. However those skills may be absent here sometimes as its all about the words.

So just who is this mysterious Hips Magee and what the hell is a Lord Stinkypants i hear you ask? Well i guess i should do the introductions although i am not going to go into too much detail in case people i used to go to school with come across this blog. Okay...... man i hate writing about myself, it reminds me just how uninteresting i am. I am not on Facebook - i don't have any friends in the real world so i don't need a cyberspace reminder of my lack of friends (self inflicted i know). I am female and in my early thirties. I live in Australia within the state of NSW (for now). I have been dancing with depression for over 10 years and flirting with social anxiety for longer. I hate all of my clothes at the moment. I think Diane Kruger is a style god. I like spaghetti bolegnese but only when its freshly cooked, i hate frozen leftovers. I have an overwhelming thirst that can't be satiated. And i am messy - clean but extremely messy. I one day hope to see the carpet in my bedroom again but it is currently the place to hang my clothes.

Lord Stinkypants, what would you like to say about yourself. Nothing right now as he is devouring a chicken wing. Mmm there is nothing like the sound of the bones in a raw chicken wing being crushed to make you realise we are predators. So i guess his intro is up to me. Lets see. Overweight, lazy and needs a haircut. Spends the majority of his day sleeping, be it in the bean bag or on his chair. Likes car rides and growling at kids on their bikes. Dislikes taking tablets and the sound of the garage door opening.

So there are the players in this story of woe. Who knows where they will go or what the will do. Stay tuned.

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