Man The Cramp In My Calf Muscles This Morning Was A Doozey.

Well i have let the updates get away from me but now that the laptop is returned I can type from just about anywhere. So what has happened since sunday night? Well i made my way to the interview at the untimely hour of 9am. It was in this huge engineering and industrial complex and my email instructions were to go to building 7. It was way too much to ask that there be a flashing neon 7 on one of the buildings. I rang the recruitment agency because i figured the girl would have gone there to meet with them. She was in a meeting - bugger damn shit. Anyways after 15 minutes of wandering the site - not a person in site, it was like there was a nuclear fallout of something i find the entrance and have to sign in and get myself a neat little day pass to clip on my suit.

For half an hour I answered their questions, being careful to sell myself as the worlds greatest administrator, even thought it was a mind numbing job of just reformatting their OH & S manuals. It was between me and one other girl that was being interviewed next. Cept nobody mentioned that she actually already worked for the company and was trying to get transferred. So who do you think they chose? That's right,the person that already works for the company. Her only greater competency than me was that she could navigate her way around the rabbit warren building. And to add insult to it, the recruitment lady rang and was all bubbly asking me how i thought it went. I spent 2 minutes saying how great i thought i went and that i would be able to handle the job and everything was good and then she tells me i that unfortunately, althought they had nothing but positive things to say about me, they had decided to go with the current employee. Why do companys not interview internally first and then if they can't find someone then go externally. Do they not know how much effort job seekers go through for interviews. Making sure all the clothes are neat and tidy, trying to tame hair and make face look half decent, researching the company and finding out pointless crap about them. Getting themselves all psyched up and travelling there and the waiting and the talking and the after interview dissection. Bastards. I am not disappointed about missing out on the job, i am disappointed in missing out on $20 per hour. I could use the cash. Money good, poor bad. Perhaps i could sell my eggs.

The other main event of the day is that i finally saw the latest in a long line of doctors in relation to my mind/depression/anxiety/general malaise towards the world. I didn't know what to expect but Dr KJS seems like a nice person even if his pants were falling down. I was with him for about 3 hours in this tiny little room. He made me feel comfortable and even though he was on one side of the desk and i on the other, I did not get that patronising "I am a doctor" vibe from him. He asked me questions about my life thus far and everything that had happened. He was scribbling all these notes of blank pieces of A4 paper; kind of like mind maps but a bit less organised. I am assuming that it will be typing into the computer as a proper file.

Anyways to sum up what was an interesting and illuminating 3 hours he diagnosed that I had a restless mind syndrome, something along the lines of ADD. More so then depression. He thinks that the depression is the outcome of the restless mind problems, not the cause of the problems. Hopefully he is right. I have to say what he said made a lot of sense, the quiz that i took that i had to answer, all the time, sometimes,occasionally, seldom, never etc had a lot of experiences that i have had. Like really almost describing me. The fact that out of 25 questions i had 70% in the always or quite a lot meant that i was a candidate. He summed it up by saying that my brain is "all dressed up and nowhere to go" - i can relate to that especially lately when i have been bored and have nothing to do. I really wish that i had taped the session as i am struggling to reiterate what he said and how he explained it. It's kind of like the activity part of my brain is like members of an orchastra; each have their own thing to do but they need to follow the conductor in order for it all to be put together and make beautiful music. But my conductor is sitting down reading a newspaper at the moment and neglecting his duties to order up the orchastra, so they in turn are just kind of doing their own thing and not working together and therefore not being effective. I now have tablets that are the equivalent of a big tough guy walking over to the conductor, yanking the newspaper out of his hands, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging his to the orchastra. A big hard " get the fuck over there and fix this shit will ya" Get em organised. The funny thing is he gave me this tablet to try and told me to go away for about 40 minutes to see if it had any effect. I was flabbergasted that it was supposed to work that quick. Kind of like Panadol quick. Having been on AD's for so long i am accustomed to a long wait for them to kick in. I sat in the car reading for half an hour and trying to notice if there was any difference to me. I was not expecting much and i kind of can't tell whether or not i noticed anything or whether i kind of talked myself into it. Everything just seemed clearer/sharper; stuff that i was looking at just seemed sharper. I was reading a book and the black type stood out on the white paper and i couldn't tell if it was just a trick of the mind. I guess i kind of felt serene, mellow but as I said to Dr KJS there is not a lot of life changing/panic inducing problems in the coles carpark at swansea. He laughed and agreed. I have decided to take this course of tablets; i didn't want to procrastinate and put off something that may help me. The problem is they are basically like speed. If anyone else had given it to me it would be illegal. I got read the riot act at the chemist this morning about keeping them locked away etc etc.

So i am underway on my first day of treatment. I will update my progress accordingly. I have just noticed that i have written a bloody lot. I hear the familiar squish of the beanbag and see that Lord Stinkypants is currently in the process of enveloping himself in it. I love how he trys to climb in but if the bean bag is too high he turns around and looks at me to help him. So i must sign off now as m'Lord requires a helping hand.

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Lost In Ambivalence

Sigh. It is the night before the interview. My ambivalence has set in. You know, the one that makes you think you don't really care if you get the job so that if you don't get the job the rejection doesn't crush you. Eight weeks worth of money would be kind of neat though as I have $8 in my bank account. Yes yes i have $2K in the other one but i kind of don't want to deplete that if necessary. Anyways not really in the mood to talk.

Think I will go to bed and dream about Edward Cullen. Yeah good one.

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Why Did I Make Myself Icecream When I Don't Even Want It

So apparently my rant about job seeking yesterday was a bit early. I got a call from the recruitment agency on Friday afternoon saying that the company would love to meet with me on Monday. That's more like it. So have to be at said engineering firm at 9am for interview with the HR Manager. I have to say that I am immensely relieved that this is going ahead. The thought that I wouldn't even make interviews for a simple admin job where its only temporary and if you suck they can get rid of you, pretty much made me feel worthless. Oh and I hate the sitting around and waiting for the call from the agency. Put my life on hold on the off chance that I get a call. Carry my mobile in my pocket so that every time i take a step i can feel the phone against my leg - another reminder.

Today being Saturday I decided to walk down to the local shops to get the Saturday paper. The idea is that i will look for jobs in the paper. The paper is still sitting folded in the neat carry bag my mum made for me. The downside of said neat carry bag is that now i have no reason to call mum to come and pick me up at the shops. It is 4 kilometres from our house to the news agency and there is no way that I will walk 4kms carrying a thick paper ( or Grazia when it comes out). Now I have no excuse as I am hands free for the return trip. I think I get about halfway back, so what 6kms, when my legs start to protest. What I really hate and is really tough is that the last kilometre of road curves down so that if i walk on the correct side of the road i am in the lowest part and sometimes have a habit of schooching sideways off the road completely. I probably look slightly intoxicated however should the odd car pass me I am able to pull myself together for the fifteen seconds and look like the power walker i am so desperately trying to be.

So its Saturday night. And how is the party animal that is Hips Magee spending it i hear you ask? At home with her parents. On the computer, reorganising her IRiver for walking music. Oh and i seem to be biting all my nails off. I don't know why I am, I haven't bitten my nails in a while. In fact just last week I had to file my nails down because they were getting too long to type with. Guess i won't have that problem anymore. So biting my nails means i am worried about something. What though? Looks like I am going to have to delve into my psyche for some answers.

I finally got an idea for a story to work on for my creative writing. It's not bad and I am just in the process of trying to work out characters. It's funny how before when I was watching TV and I came up with the idea, and I got all excited and enthused. I wanted to work on the story but I was in the middle of a TV show. I lamented the fact that my mother had taken the laptop away for the weekend so i could not sit and work on it. Now that the show is finished and, as always on Saturday night, there is absolutely nothing worth watching, I have moved into the computer. Yet now my momentum has waned and I seem to find other things to do on the computer eg write this entry, reorganise my IRiver. What's that about - why can I not follow through on the idea. I will never write a book if i don't start but why can't I bring myself to start. Fear of failure? probably. Fear of putting a lot of time and effort into something that i will fail miserably at. Ding Ding Ding we have a winner folks. Why can't I realise that i can never become a paid author if i don't start writing? I have to start somewhere. David Beckham would never have become so great at soccer if he decided to skip practice when he was ten and watch telly.

Another thing that I am feeling lately is jealousy towards young actors and actresses. Hold that thought - it sounds like Lord Stinkypants has come down from his bed and wants to go outside. He went to bed at 7:30 when it became clear that I was not going to give him any of my yummy Thai sweet chili rolls. Now he will go out, bark at whatever nocturnal wildlife is out in the yard and then demand to come back in so he can go back to bed; be it in the bean bag or his doggie bed. The life of some hey. Anyways back to the jealousy. I see all these pretty young things in their teens and twenties. Being hyped up, going to parties, wearing designer clothes, being talked about and lauded over by fans and getting to spend their days making movies and being paid for it. I WANT THAT. When people ask me what I want to do i want to yell that. I want to act, to be famous, to be pretty and to never ever have to worry about money again. But how do you say that when you are 30, are known to be quite shy and have never acted in your life. And even if I wanted to how the hell am i supposed to start. i have looked up acting classes and drama in newcastle et al and there is like 4, 3 of which are talent agencies. How can i find out if i am any good at acting here in this boring town. Unfortunatly acting is not something that you can learn online. And even if i could I would never be discovered hiding away here in little old backwater town. So what am i supposed to do, uproot myself from my safe place and throw myself into a huge town where i know no-one and feel about as cosmopolitan as an old boot all for the pursuit of a pipe dream. That would be living the dream, following the yellow brick road, creating my own happiness and destiny.

Wouldn't want to do a silly thing like that.

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Man I Forgot To Think Of A Title Before Posting.

Okay so five o clock came and went and no call from the recruitment agency. I kind of can't beleive it - i am so qualified for the role i am practically overqualified and yet i can't even get this role. So what am I supposed to make of that. I'm not good enough to answer phones and type documents for 8 weeks? Ah god i am over it.

I went for another walk this afternoon just because i was feeling antsy; i had to admit its a lot cooler around 4pm then it is first thing in the morning. I ambled along watching other people live their lives, driving, mowing the yard, talking to neighbours. People driving, i wonder where they are going, and what they are thinking when they see me loping down the road with my water bottle and my slightly scowled expression. The aircraft jets were playing their war games in the sky above so the noise kept drowning out my headphones - i am concious of turning them up to loud; i hate when i am lying in bed at night and hear ringing. I start to panic that i am going deaf and that i will never listen to my headphones again. But all is forgotten by morning. Lord Stinkypants was most disappointed that i went for my second walk without him - i call still see the look of abandonment on his face and he stared after me through the fence. But I am sorry mate I wanted to walk, not stop every 5 minutes to sniff grass and mark your territory for some invisible foe that you will never meet. If i am going to go walking it has to have some benefit either aerobically or fat burning.

I feel like writing, creatively i mean, as in fiction. But i cant think of a story or plotline that i haven't lifted from something that has already been written. I am very good at daydreaming and have an overactive imagination which i am sure i can utilise however none of these have plots so would be incredibly boring after about 10 pages. Seeing as that is the case I thought I would try my hand at some fan fiction; the characters are already fleshed out. However there is something that seems to be stopping me. As if there is a little voice in my head saying "it won't be that good a story so why waste your time on it when you could be doing other things". This is a voice that i hear a lot and that same phrase could be applied to a lot of other scenarios. And it wins. Pretty much all of the time. It keeps me in my shell, my boring shell, my lonely shell. I just go around in circles - i wish i had a life but the voice in my head says its too much work and that its going to be a waste of time so don't bother. So I don't. Then i lament my lack of fun, friends and happiness etc.

So can someone out there please give me a metaphorical kick up the ass.

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I Am Much Better At Self Pity In Someone Else's Kitchen

God i am so annoyed, i just wrote a whole paragraph about how tired and cold i am feeling today but when i highlighted it all to justify the text it disappeared and no amount of pressing the undo will make it come back. I dont have the energy to rewrite it again so in summary: i am feeling tired today (even after my long walk) and chilly. Unusual. Maybe its the overcast weather, there is no light and no warmth from the sun.

I am currently waiting to hear back from the recruitment agency regarding the temp job i interviewed for. I made the shortlist now i have to wait to see if the company wants to interview me. I hate this part: the waiting - being at the mercy of people I don't know and who dont know me yet are going to judge me on four pieces of paper that consitutes my working life. And i won't get started on those four pieces of paper. My life = 4 pieces of A4, everything i have done in my thirty odd years of existence. I just have to stop and be bummed out for a bit.

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Some Helpful Advice

If you are female and questioning your worth as a human being and/or your life in general, never watch a show On E! Television Channel called Top 25 TV Cash Queens.

Just don't. Is all I am going to say

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La Vie En Rose

Well today i have been mired in my boredom. It was raining when i woke up this morning so i could not go for a walk. That is like literally the first thing i thought of. Normally it would be Yay no walk and go back to sleep, but my ADs have pretty much caused me insomnia so sleeping in is pretty much a no go. This new sleeping pattern is weird. I love sleeping, sleeping a lot is good. Know why? Because I can tune out of reality, tune into a dream world where I am happy and all is right. Until you wake up. Saturday afternoon and nothing to do? Sleep for 3 or 4 hours and thats the afternoon taken care of. Four less hours of sucky life to lead. My mum says that i am sleeping my life away and she is probably correct. If you had my life you would want to sleep it away.

However now my last bastion of escape, sleep, is all but non existant. I can usually only sleep for two hours or so before i wake up. Then it takes a while to go back to sleep. I dont feel sleep deprived but i kind of miss the tiredness that you get at the end of the day when you can't wait to go to sleep and sink into a nice warm bed and soft pillow. Or the refreshed feeling of waking at 9am on a saturday and feeling good. And now i no longer have sleep to retreat to when i am bored or lonely. I could be doing so many fabulous things in my sleep, now i don't have that safety. So i have taken up staring at the walls in its place. Not as much fun though because reality keeps cutting in on my daydreams.

Lord Stinkpants and I went for a drive at lunch time today, kind of like a breakout. I had just showered after doing 20 minutes of the elliptical and i had that post workout high which i wanted to hold onto. I had no real reason to go into the Terrace so i decided it would be to get petrol (whilst it is slightly cheaper today) and have one of those mint chocolate waffle cones from Maccas (thus undoing the aforementioned elliptical work). It was a grey old day but at least it stopped raining on the drive in there. As always there was not enough choc mint sauce on my waffle cone but it was nice. Lord Stinkypants approved of the crunchy waffle cone. I gave him the final end piece of the cone once I had sucked all the soft serve out. However he was standing on the back seat overhang and, in his attempt to fit the oddly shaped cone in his mouth, managed to drop it down onto the floor behind the passanger seat. He just looked at it for a long time, as if he was working out if he could fit down there. The answer was no. After practically dislocating my shoulder to reach it (eww all slobbery) he cheerful wolfed it down in one gulp. And then proceeded to look at me expectantly. He needs to learn to savour his food a bit; he gulps it down as if me finding that he still has some food left means he is going to miss out on seconds. Not that i give him seconds but he is ever hopeful. Wish i could be that hopeful.

I have an interview tomorrow for a two month temp job doing administration at some engineering/mining place. They need someone to start this Friday. Whilst i kind of admit that i am going a little stir crazy being unemployed and actually think getting out amongst people would do me some good, i do not miss the early morning shower and dress routine, the drive into town with all the impatient stupid ass drivers who are coming from the Bay and are running late. How dare i go the speedlimit, how dare i get in their way. I swear if it would not cost me money to repair my car, i would so ram right into people. People seem to think that because they are sheltered in their car, anonymous if you like and out of reach of any thrown punches, that they can get away with being rude. Well i tell them this: Look out for the depressed blonde in the red camry, I just may take you out. It will be worth it.

Anyways back on track, my interview with the recruitment agency is at 9am tomorrow. 9am!!!! Its not like i will miss sleeping in but jeez why do people have to start so early?? Bloody morning people and their insistence of getting the most out of their day. I hope us night owls eventually take over the world; i would love to see how the early birds would react to the 10pm interview time, or the 8:30pm doctors appointment.

I have the song La Vie En Rose in my head. Unfortunately its in French; i don't speak French. Its kind of awkward.

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All Hyped Up With Nowhere to Go.

I went for a walk nice and early this morning. Well early for me being 7:30am. I have to be back before the sun gets heat in its rays and trys to scorch my roaccutane sensitive skin. Why didn't i take up walking two months ago in winter when the sun was less intense. Who would have thought that i would actually be looking forward to going for a walk. I walked the streets for nearly a hour and a half today. Its nice to be listening to my music as i walk and its also nice to daydream. I think thats why i like walking because it gets me out of my confined little space and into a daydream world where I am fabulous, fit and totally the opposite of everything i am. It also gets rid of the cabin fever that i have because i always seem to be at home.

Home. It is so insufferable at the moment, so claustrophobic. So go out I hear you say. Where? I am so bored with life that shopping centres don't interest me, i can't get into any books from the library, I am too uncoordinated and fearful to take up a sport, restaurants don't interest me. Everywhere is just that same dull shade of grey. And it upsets me when i do go out to realise i have no where to go and that i eventually have to turn around and come home. But I know that Lord Stinkypants will be waiting patiently (albeit sleeping) for me to return...so i can supply more food.

On a different note i am surprised at how many shows i will be watching over the coming week on free to air tv. I have cable but lately there has been nothing that i want to watch. Its so frustrating, i can't even find a show that i am half interested in watching. Let me state for the record that i am not someone who zombies out in front of the television for 12 hours a day but i do watch television in the evening from 7 to 10 (most nights) I like it because i can switch off thinking for a while. Stop the record of thoughts playing in my head over and over and over and over.

The days seem to go by so slowly.

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What Is This I Am Feeling?

Okay so even though I am not classified as a Young Adult, i have recently read Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. I was surfing the web a couple of months ago and stumbled upon the movie info - i had never heard of it but the fans that were commenting on it were going off. I quite fancied Robert Pattinson who is playing the male lead so I figured that i would see what all the fuss is about.

I borrowed it from the library and left it on my desk for a day or two before I started to read it. I really loved the cover image, the blood red apple and the pale hands. Man i wish i could be creative like that. Anyways, I read this book in two days. And it was only two because i eventually had to sleep. I have honestly not read a complete book, be it fiction or non fiction, in a couple of years. Yet here I was carrying the book around with me in the house. I read it in the lounge, I read it in my bed, I read it on the patio, i read it during the commercials. What was it about this book? Its about a human girl falling in love with a vampire boy. First love, true love, the power of it and the obsession. Grade A romantic fantasy and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

I couldn't stop thinking about the story and the characters when i went to sleep that night. Here I am, quite the feminist who is happy to be single, wanting - no aching - for my own Edward. Of course i know the character is too perfect and such a human being doesn't exist but it didn't stop the longing. How i wished right then and there that i could be lying face to face with someone i adored. What is this? I have never felt like this. Why had 400 odd pages of fiction created a maelstrom in my soul?? Its a book Hips. They aren't real. Nothing could be like that. Am I setting myself up for a fall in the hopes that there is someone out there like that. One things for sure I am never going to meet him in this little backwater town i live in. God i want to slap myself. Or grab myself by the shoulders, shake myself and yell "Get A Grip". I am a grown woman for gods sake.

Another thing that this book has made me realise with a whopping great thud is that I am not a teenager anymore. The characters in the book are teenagers (well the girl is) and it has the whole first love vibe thing going on. I missed out on that feeling. And now i will never have that feeling - the feeling of young love. It makes me sad, really sad. I never liked any of the boys at school, they were pretty much idiots. I went through my entire teenage years without a kiss, or a crush, or the racing of my heart when i thought of someone. At the time I was alright with it - i didn't want to slum it with any of them. Now i kind of ache for it, a longing for something that will never be. Would my life have turned out differently if i had. Who knows. Can't go back. Yet.

And you know whats even worse, the point where the tears start to well up? That my twenties were exactly the same. Exactly. In fact i sit here now unkissed and unloved. Is there something wrong with me? Is there a guy out there for me or am i destined to always go to the movies alone? To be the odd one out at work or social functions? To keep receiving wedding invitations from my cousins, old school friends and work colleagues?

Bloody book.

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And So It Begins.

This will be a great opening to anyone reading this, but my psychologist told me to start writing down my thoughts and feelings so as to get them out of my head. I can't write using pen and paper at the same speed as my brain thinks stuff so the only alternative is typing. I started in Word but the document is so uninspiring. I figured why not do it properly. Hence the creation of one of the most uninspiring and potentially boring blogs in the history of blogdom. It was going to originally be called the adventures of hips magee but then i realised that i was lying to myself; i don't have adventures. If i was having adventures i wouldn't need this blog.

I am hoping to just blurt out my thoughts and my feelings so it will probably be nonsensical and whiny. Please note that i have extremely good grammer and spelling skills as well as the ability to properly format a sentence. However those skills may be absent here sometimes as its all about the words.

So just who is this mysterious Hips Magee and what the hell is a Lord Stinkypants i hear you ask? Well i guess i should do the introductions although i am not going to go into too much detail in case people i used to go to school with come across this blog. Okay...... man i hate writing about myself, it reminds me just how uninteresting i am. I am not on Facebook - i don't have any friends in the real world so i don't need a cyberspace reminder of my lack of friends (self inflicted i know). I am female and in my early thirties. I live in Australia within the state of NSW (for now). I have been dancing with depression for over 10 years and flirting with social anxiety for longer. I hate all of my clothes at the moment. I think Diane Kruger is a style god. I like spaghetti bolegnese but only when its freshly cooked, i hate frozen leftovers. I have an overwhelming thirst that can't be satiated. And i am messy - clean but extremely messy. I one day hope to see the carpet in my bedroom again but it is currently the place to hang my clothes.

Lord Stinkypants, what would you like to say about yourself. Nothing right now as he is devouring a chicken wing. Mmm there is nothing like the sound of the bones in a raw chicken wing being crushed to make you realise we are predators. So i guess his intro is up to me. Lets see. Overweight, lazy and needs a haircut. Spends the majority of his day sleeping, be it in the bean bag or on his chair. Likes car rides and growling at kids on their bikes. Dislikes taking tablets and the sound of the garage door opening.

So there are the players in this story of woe. Who knows where they will go or what the will do. Stay tuned.

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