What Is This I Am Feeling?

Okay so even though I am not classified as a Young Adult, i have recently read Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. I was surfing the web a couple of months ago and stumbled upon the movie info - i had never heard of it but the fans that were commenting on it were going off. I quite fancied Robert Pattinson who is playing the male lead so I figured that i would see what all the fuss is about.

I borrowed it from the library and left it on my desk for a day or two before I started to read it. I really loved the cover image, the blood red apple and the pale hands. Man i wish i could be creative like that. Anyways, I read this book in two days. And it was only two because i eventually had to sleep. I have honestly not read a complete book, be it fiction or non fiction, in a couple of years. Yet here I was carrying the book around with me in the house. I read it in the lounge, I read it in my bed, I read it on the patio, i read it during the commercials. What was it about this book? Its about a human girl falling in love with a vampire boy. First love, true love, the power of it and the obsession. Grade A romantic fantasy and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

I couldn't stop thinking about the story and the characters when i went to sleep that night. Here I am, quite the feminist who is happy to be single, wanting - no aching - for my own Edward. Of course i know the character is too perfect and such a human being doesn't exist but it didn't stop the longing. How i wished right then and there that i could be lying face to face with someone i adored. What is this? I have never felt like this. Why had 400 odd pages of fiction created a maelstrom in my soul?? Its a book Hips. They aren't real. Nothing could be like that. Am I setting myself up for a fall in the hopes that there is someone out there like that. One things for sure I am never going to meet him in this little backwater town i live in. God i want to slap myself. Or grab myself by the shoulders, shake myself and yell "Get A Grip". I am a grown woman for gods sake.

Another thing that this book has made me realise with a whopping great thud is that I am not a teenager anymore. The characters in the book are teenagers (well the girl is) and it has the whole first love vibe thing going on. I missed out on that feeling. And now i will never have that feeling - the feeling of young love. It makes me sad, really sad. I never liked any of the boys at school, they were pretty much idiots. I went through my entire teenage years without a kiss, or a crush, or the racing of my heart when i thought of someone. At the time I was alright with it - i didn't want to slum it with any of them. Now i kind of ache for it, a longing for something that will never be. Would my life have turned out differently if i had. Who knows. Can't go back. Yet.

And you know whats even worse, the point where the tears start to well up? That my twenties were exactly the same. Exactly. In fact i sit here now unkissed and unloved. Is there something wrong with me? Is there a guy out there for me or am i destined to always go to the movies alone? To be the odd one out at work or social functions? To keep receiving wedding invitations from my cousins, old school friends and work colleagues?

Bloody book.