Sing Us A Song You're The Piano Man

Wow i never really contemplated the piano and how people play it until i ery slowly. I always knew that pianists were talented but now i have a new appreciation for their abilities as I am still struggling along. I am practicing the chords, all that major and minor key stuff is confusing me. Plus the notes that i need to hit always seem to be the furtherest point away from each other and i have to stretch to reach the keys, more often then not taking the next one along with it to produce that awful wrong note sound. But i know that its just practice and rehearsal. I am sure that Billy Joel or Elton John or Alicia Keys were once at the level that I am now. Only they were 5 years old. Well my dreams of being a rock star musician were always limited to vocalist. But being tone deaf kind of quashed that dream. And I know the whole spiel about if you want something badly enough yada yada but quite frankly there is not a vocal teacher on this planet that could make my voice listenable. Or tolerable. I'll put singing lessons on my list of things to do when i have so much money i can afford to flit it away on totally useless things.

On other not really interesting but i feel i should post something news I have started trying out new styles with my hair. I am getting little bit bored with it but after chatting with mum i don't think i will change it. She thinks the colour is great and even though I keep seeing pictures of brunette celebrities with fabulous hair, i think, at the end of the day what i am most unhappy with is my face and not my hair. Changing the colour of my hair will not change the way my face looks or the dark shadows under my eyes. I thought maybe darker hair would go better with my paler skin as i always felt that being blonde you should be tanned. So i am going to my hairdresser tomorrow so i don't think i will do anything drastic. If i got it cut off and shaped i would soon get sick of it and wish it was long and grow it back. Again change the face not the hair. Or the neckline under my jaw because it is heading south. I swear i would plastic surgery its ass so fast if i had the money but apparently the neck is one area that is very hard to nip and tuck (or so i have read). Besides at this point i would rather use the money to clear up the old acne scars and the rather unattractive dark spots and splotches (no not freckles, freckles are smaller,lighter in colour and usually cuter) that i have. According to my dermatologist its melasma which is hormonal and due to roaccutane. He says its much more harder to get rid of then say freckles and no over the counter stuff will fade it (i figured as much). Apparently lasers are the way to go; they have had great results at fading. Lasers = expensive. I is poor. Life never seems to go your way does it.

Guess i will just have to find a new way of doing my hair so that it covers my face.

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I Don't Really Like My Friends.

Well I seem to have crashed this evening. I knew things weren't right this afternoon, I had a drowsiness that I could not shake and I just was not feeling up. By up I mean I feel lighter, happier even though there is no actual reason for feeling happier. I just kind of felt enthusiastic even though i had no reason to and nothing to look forward to. I would have to put that down to the new tablets that I started last Monday. It hasn't even been a week, surely I would not crash like that so soon. I wouldn't be surprised though, this always happens to me whenever I try new tablets or increase the dose of whatever I am on. I always come down exactly where i was. Its been like this for years; three or four different medications, different dosages, too much money spent on psychiatry or psychologists and for what? I am exactly where I was 10 years ago. Do you know how depressing that is? Tears are actually starting to well up in my eyes thinking about it. Is this all there is? Really? This is as good as it gets? Go up only to come back down. I should just save the time and the money and the energy and stay here because it's where I will end up.

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What Is This I Am Feeling?

Okay so even though I am not classified as a Young Adult, i have recently read Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. I was surfing the web a couple of months ago and stumbled upon the movie info - i had never heard of it but the fans that were commenting on it were going off. I quite fancied Robert Pattinson who is playing the male lead so I figured that i would see what all the fuss is about.

I borrowed it from the library and left it on my desk for a day or two before I started to read it. I really loved the cover image, the blood red apple and the pale hands. Man i wish i could be creative like that. Anyways, I read this book in two days. And it was only two because i eventually had to sleep. I have honestly not read a complete book, be it fiction or non fiction, in a couple of years. Yet here I was carrying the book around with me in the house. I read it in the lounge, I read it in my bed, I read it on the patio, i read it during the commercials. What was it about this book? Its about a human girl falling in love with a vampire boy. First love, true love, the power of it and the obsession. Grade A romantic fantasy and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

I couldn't stop thinking about the story and the characters when i went to sleep that night. Here I am, quite the feminist who is happy to be single, wanting - no aching - for my own Edward. Of course i know the character is too perfect and such a human being doesn't exist but it didn't stop the longing. How i wished right then and there that i could be lying face to face with someone i adored. What is this? I have never felt like this. Why had 400 odd pages of fiction created a maelstrom in my soul?? Its a book Hips. They aren't real. Nothing could be like that. Am I setting myself up for a fall in the hopes that there is someone out there like that. One things for sure I am never going to meet him in this little backwater town i live in. God i want to slap myself. Or grab myself by the shoulders, shake myself and yell "Get A Grip". I am a grown woman for gods sake.

Another thing that this book has made me realise with a whopping great thud is that I am not a teenager anymore. The characters in the book are teenagers (well the girl is) and it has the whole first love vibe thing going on. I missed out on that feeling. And now i will never have that feeling - the feeling of young love. It makes me sad, really sad. I never liked any of the boys at school, they were pretty much idiots. I went through my entire teenage years without a kiss, or a crush, or the racing of my heart when i thought of someone. At the time I was alright with it - i didn't want to slum it with any of them. Now i kind of ache for it, a longing for something that will never be. Would my life have turned out differently if i had. Who knows. Can't go back. Yet.

And you know whats even worse, the point where the tears start to well up? That my twenties were exactly the same. Exactly. In fact i sit here now unkissed and unloved. Is there something wrong with me? Is there a guy out there for me or am i destined to always go to the movies alone? To be the odd one out at work or social functions? To keep receiving wedding invitations from my cousins, old school friends and work colleagues?

Bloody book.

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